next year

i want to be a stone cold fox
wear red lipstick
dark lipstick
no lipstick
black eyes
gaunt cheeks
i want to be fierce.
i want to not eat
want to cover myself in tattoos
want to smoke all the fucking cigs i want
drink all day
smoke all night
create fucking incredible art and scoff at their awe of me.
roll my eyes at their praise
i want to be praised.
i want to be mean
hard
rough
raw
drink tea out of jars
with chipped fingernails
bleeding cuticles. 
i want to dye my hair red
or bleach it out 
make it look shitty
cuz i finally don't give a fuck.
i want to do what i fucking want to do.
so i will
starting
now.


but where does that leave the me i'm leaving behind
can she hold on in the background
i hope so
i need her to.
she's the one who got me here
and can get me back if i go too far.
where is she now?
smoking a goddamn cigarette.